How to deal with failure

Back at it again. I'm sorry for my absence but I was just so busy with my last final that I barely had time to leave my desk. As seen from the title, you probably already guessed that I failed. As much as I tried hard and studied, it didn't get through in the end and honestly, I do feel a bit disappointed about myself because I could've tried harder. Now, it's easy to say so but it's a completely different story when you actually have to work hard for it and get so stressed out that you barely get through the day without having an emotional breakdown. I've been pretty shaken up after I walked out of professors office, realizing I just "threw" one year away, but I slowly came to terms with it and accepting it, because it's not THAT big of a deal after all. 

Even though I said I could've tried harder, that doesn't mean I didn't already work my ass off for this exam. It just turned out I don't respond well to extremely stressful situations in which time is a key factor. It doesn't mean I'm stupid or unqualified for law school, it just means I need to work even harder to completely understand even the most basic concepts of it and start from there. My biggest mistake must have been that I though my oral exam will consist of complex and difficult questions and latin expressions. It turned out I was so wrong, because my professor started with a plain and basic question and a simple definition, and I couldn't even answer him correctly because all I did was study those difficult concepts, thinking I was hella smart for it. Thinking back, I should have known that basics are the key to understanding the wider picture, and you should never just skim through basic stuff and go straight to the difficult part of the subject. That especially goes for Law! 

A positive thing I got out from this mess is that learning from your own mistakes is the best kind of learning of how life works and how you should try and make it the best for you. Looking back on what we did wrong opens up a shitload of possibilities of what we should've done instead and try to find a way to make it better in the future. Failure is normal, it happens to everyone and sooner you accept it, happier you will be with your life, because nothing is irreversible to the point it can't be fixed, even though it seems like that in the beginning. Head up!

It wouldn't be me if I forgot to mention alcohol. I'm not saying getting hammered is gonna help you get through the first phase of being disappointed and angry, but having a glass of wine to just relax and think about your situation is a huge stress relief. Having a bar of chocolate nearby also isn't such a bad idea, or catching up on your favorite series you haven't been able to watch for the whole year... well, now might be the perfect time you do all the things you've been wanting to do for a long time, but never had time. Take a few days or even weeks for yourself, do what you love, hang out with your friends and spend time with family, because after you get back on track, you're gonna ace all of your shit and be a badass! 

Stay positive!

When being pathetic is your hobby

EU Law - CHECK!

Yes, that's right, I finally got my results and I passed! Very impressed, considering the amount of time I spent studying (close to none), but yet disappointed at the same time, because it was very easy and I could've gotten a much higher grade with a little more effort instead of procrastinating.

I can't remember exactly what's been going on around me recently because I spent most of the time in my room studying. And sleeping. I was very close to a mental breakdown or something similar to it, but then I went to a bar, had a beer and enjoyed the view of nature and handsome male nurses passing by in tight pants. I'm pathetic sometimes. 

So what's new/my recent hobbies and activities?

- been suffering from insomnia during the weekend because I was subconsciously nervous about my main exam I had on Tuesday

- almost cried for no reason

- only slept for 3 hours in two days before my exam

- got tipsy from only one beer (I disappoint myself)

- slept for 12 hours after the exam

- daydreaming about stuff I should be doing irl but I'm too lame

- trying to stay positive, even though I'm so close to failing the main exam it's scary

- calculating the number of pages I have to read per day until my next exam

- avoiding socialization with a certain someone I almost dislike, but not really

- PROCRASTINATING

Writing this blog is an alternative to my Economics study session. Words cannot explain my hatred towards Economics. But ya know, it has to be done, like it or not, so I'm gonna hit the books after I finish this confusing post. I finish with all my exams next week and I cannot wait to be over with this because the struggle is real. Studying during summer is frustrating, especially for a lazy procrastinator like myself. Until then, I'm just gonna have to push the limits and study af in hopes I pass at least my main exam. 

Pray for me, k thx bye.

Exam results, where you at?!

Serving you another update on my, lately, rather exciting life. I was at the hospital twice this week, again, my gran had the last two checkups there. It turned out her health condition is getting better and she's doing surprisingly well after what she's been through in the past 3 months. I also got to know the majority of paramedics and nurses, which comes in handy while waiting in the line for 5 hours. Today I actually met a cool paramedic who happens to adore Suits just like me and pretty much every other series I watch. I was impressed that he instantly knew which series I was referring to when I explained to him why I chose to study law. Oh, the perks of accompanying my gran to her checkups *winks*

I finally cut my hair. Please, applaud me. I was planning on going to the hairdresser for a month and I managed to do it this week. I'd say it's a pretty big difference, I got rid of at least 10 cm of my hair so I am now officially a squishy-headed mushroom. Just kidding, but my hair is chin length with a side fringe and I remind myself of a mushroom. Apparently, I look much younger now, which may cause me some problems, because most people still identifies me as a minor, when I am in fact almost 21. Y'all gonna be jelly when I hit 60 and I'm gonna look like I'm 40! So this paramedic I mentioned before said I don't look like a kid and I actually felt pretty damn good, but then I went to the shop, and since it's the first school day today, the cashier asked me how was my first school day (she thought I was 16). No need to say my confidence from before went away pretty damn quick. I still have to show my ID when I go out to buy some alcohol, so I shouldn't be surprised at all. I also treated myself to a new phone and I am very satisfied with it. Microsoft all the way (sorry iFruit loverz).

Most importantly, I STILL DON'T KNOW THE RESULTS OF MY EU LAW EXAM! I'm probably the most impatient person ever so it's driving me crazy. I've been checking the uni website every day since Friday and I get pissed off every time I see an empty space instead of my grade! Imagine me flip out in case I fail. Not a pretty picture. 

Regarding law school, I am kind of a mess right now. I just can't get myself to study and I don't know what the actual f**k is going on. I am now very behind with studying and I'll have to be pretty damn hard-working if I want to finish the book (at least). I could use a handout, a summary or whatever shorter and simplified version of it, but I honestly don't like studying from that, because I don't get the whole detailed picture I want. All or nothing, even if it takes more time. One thing I hate is going to an oral exam unprepared. It's a paradox, I can't get myself to study soon enough, but at the same time, I wanna know everything or at least enough to get a decent grade.

I actually wrote this post instead of starting my study session. I'm in trouble but at least I had something to tell. Peace out *mockingjay whistle*

Stresstest

Long time no see, again. There's been some crazy shit happening for the past couple of days and I did not have time to write a single blog post. Well, not that this blog post will be any more interesting or useful to you but still. 

I completely lost my track of time and I had to check my calendar to know what day is it. So, Sunday huh? I'd usually say I hate Sundays because you know, there's always Monday following and Sundays are in my experience always kind of depressing or rainy and I come to the realization I haven't done anything for school and so on. But since I still "enjoy" my month off (not really but I have no lectures until October), Sundays are okay for now.

To sum up my week - I bought a planner! Now, I got all excited that I'll finally be able to plan my life and be productive af with a beautiful looking planner, and then I could only find some basic, simple looking planners. I was a bit disappointed but I settled for a simple green-ish looking one because it was the most practical. I already wrote in some of my important tasks and let me tell you - I failed to stick to it. Maybe it's smarter I leave it alone until October and try again then.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I had to go to the library to get some books and return the ones I don't need anymore. I was planning to go to my apartment on Tuesday or ultimately on Wednesday but I had to go to the hospital with my gran on Thursday so I basically haven't studied a lot for my exam I had on Friday because I didn't have all the books. Complicated, I know. All in all, I'm glad I went with my gran instead of going to my apartment and study, because the doctors there were kind of negligent and almost caused a disaster. Luckily, I'm very well informed about all the health issues my gran has and I happen to know something about it too so I had to be really persistent to convince surgeon, anesthesiologist, and nurses that it's risky to use a general anesthesia on her. They should know this already and check her medical records but apparently, that's too much of a hard work to do. So disappointed and glad I was there at the time. 

After being at the hospital literally for the whole day, I came home around 7 in the evening and I was so tired I couldn't study. I knew if I don't at least skim all the notes and cases, I have almost no chance to pass my EU law exam. So I took a 2-hour nap and studied until half past 2, then went to bed and woke up 3 hours later, went to my apartment which is quite far away from my home and studied for another hour and a half. I was so sleepy and had NO COFFEE!!!!! On top of everything, I got a cold and I was feeling like shit. Now, I don't know if I'm so lucky or I actually studied enough, but the exam was pretty easy and basic. I don't want to get my hopes up, though, because for every exam so far, I had a really bad feeling and then I passed with a good grade, but now I have a good feeling so it might end up terrible. We'll see.

Alrighty, enough of my blabbing, I still have to study for two exams and actually pass them, so I might be a bit lazy with blogging again. But do keep your fingers crossed for me, a tough month is about to begin.

Rant

Today was my last day at the seaside. It went by so quickly, I wish I could stay there for at least a week longer and chill. Haven't studied for shit, of course, but I tried. I even took my book to the beach but kids were screaming everywhere, not only in front of my porch at midnight.

I went to see my grandma who's in a nursing home and was very ill for the past 3 months and she is doing okay. Still not sure if I'm glad I saw my crush after quite a long time or not because I thought I got rid of annoying emotions and thoughts that were interrupting my study routine through the whole semester, but apparently, I'm crushing even more now... I'm an emotional wreck if I combine everything with being stressed due to my finals. Maybe being in a relationshit just isn't for me atm or you really can't handle law school and boyfriend at the same time like I hear so often, idk.

Excuse-zee-mwa for a pessimistic post today but I just feel like getting my thoughts out and see if I feel any better because honestly, I kinda feel sad and anxious out of nowhere. I have so much on my mind lately and I tend to overthink everything so it's getting slightly out of hand. But maybe, MAYBE it's just a bad day because my vacay is over and now I SERIOUSLY have to study or else I will be studying the same thing all over again. 

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. I have to pay my rent, go to the bank and sort out some adult shit I don't quite get, visit gran, pack stuff and leave asap to my apartment and study! I must not forget to visit the library and return some books and pay a fine because I can never return them on time, then I need to visit my law library and get some more books for my final. I will probably forget to do at least one thing because that's just me, always. I need to buy a planner!